Film Review – Twilight – not completely crap.

Mean, Moody, and really twinkly in the sunshine. Terrifying.

Firstly, I realise this review is at least a couple of years late. Secondly, it’s not really a ‘review’ as such, but more an answer to earlier reviews and a shameless nostalgic trip for my former sixteen year old self. Thirdly, and look away now if you can’t hack it, I’m going to say nice things about Twilight.

Oh Yes. You heard me.

Fan of Horror. Fan of, well, good film in general, but I have my reasons, and I shall stick to them.

The reason this review is so late (I believe there have been other Twilight’s, in fact, a whole ‘saga’ so I hear) is that I only watched it recently, and the only reason I watched it is because it was my little sisters birthday, and she insisted (I should also add, my ‘little’ sister is twenty-six, so shame on the pair of us). We got a couple of bottles of red, some stilton and crackers (see, we’re grown-ups!) and got ready for some vampire action.

Now I had expressed my reservations about this a number of times. Having read reviews such as  this one by Charlie Brooker, I was ready to hate every minute. In addition, I really do like ‘proper’ horror. You know, the scary stuff, the classics. So much so that I’m quite excited about this film about The Shining, as well as loving the actual film, so I really was pretty sceptical about the whole thing.

And I remained that way until about a third of the way through. Pattison is a chump. He looks like a cheap version of Robert Smith from The Cure. With worse lippy. Also, what happens to these vampires when they get out in the sun? They go all sparkly. Like they’ve been dipped in glitter. How shit is that?

However, the reason I stick up for this epic pile of twaddle is that it’s not a horror film. It’s like Dawson’s Creek shagged the X-files and you get this weird looking, but oddly attractive offspring. A bit like Steve Tyler.  I defend it, despite all this nonsense about films like this being ‘the beginning of the end for horror’, due to the numerous complaints that horror is full of these pouty, angsty, whiny little bastards. Vampires used to be cool, and scary, and now modern cinema has ruined that.

It hasn’t.

Because it’s not horror.

It’s not meant to be scary, and films like this have been around for decades. And when I was sixteen, I loved them. They’re basically as much sex as a teenage girl can see, obviously, without seeing any actual sex. Ooh, he’s a bit bitey. And he’s really strong. And he’s been alive forever, so he’s wise. That’s pretty sexy when you’re a teenage girl, although you don’t yet really understand why. And given how crap real teenage boys are, you can completely forgive the appeal.

I would like to furnish you with a list of similar films, which I have also thoroughly enjoyed and which, by and large, are no less crap than this. Pattison will in time I’m sure, also be remembered fondly by grown women for all the same reasons as this lot. (Seriously, all the hot men are the same – and if you haven’t watched these, you really should. Trust me ladies). The Crow’s Brandon Lee, Blade’s Stephen Dorff, The Craft’s Skeet Ulrich, The Lost Boys Keifer Sutherland…

The list could go on infinitely.

None of these films are going to win an Oscar, and they’re not really very scary, but they all have those wonderful screwed up gothy guys that teenage girls go daft for. And as a side note, I’m also pleased to know having watched Twilight, that goth music hasn’t changed at all. It’s still pretty good.

So don’t be so bloody judgemental. Take Twilight for what it is, a bit of a laugh, and a film aimed at teenage girls. And I’ve warmed to Pattison. He looked pretty good dancing with what’s-her-face under that nice sparkly gazebo thing at the end. Even if he is seventeen or whatever.

And don’t judge me for that, either.

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